Trade Offs

 Trade Offs

Today, I am sick.

It started with feeling dizzy and crummy yesterday during work and then finding out I had a fever (which would explain the crumminess). I ended up having to miss yet another St. Louis Blues game last night and stay home instead. That's happened a number of times this season and it sucks. I'm pretty busy at work for the remainder of the month, we've got the holidays, and there are birthdays. There's just a lot going on and I don't really have time to be sick. Especially because my entire household has been essentially rotating sickness since the last week of October. I was complaining to my wife that I've never, in my life, had such a miserable fall full of illness. So I stayed home, I'm punching my clock for the things I feel as though I *need* to be there for, and then using the rest of the time to either lay on the couch under a blanket or soak in a hot bath.

I'm supposed to play Weather Machine tonight with my buddy Chad. I've absolutely been on a Vital Lacerda kick for...well, really ever since playing Kanban EV with Chad and then getting to play it again at Geekway to the West. After that, it was off to the races a bit with multiple plays of Escape Plan (which is just a lot of damn fun). So I've now had Weather Machine for a couple of weeks, but illness prevented me from playing it right away. I was planning playing it solo to learn it, but between work, being sick, family being sick, and the holiday, I just couldn't pull myself together to make it happen. All of this to say that after waiting to make this happen...it's not going to happen tonight. I want to go play. I want to will myself to go play. But I also know that it would be a mistake. I still feel like trash and I've got a weekend full of family and work commitments. And owing to my need to make up some time at work, I'll be missing yet another local Armada tournament as well.

Anyway. All of this sucks, but I'm not looking for sympathy; I was just offering some context. So while I'm sick, I'm catching up on some things to which I listen, including Glacial Geek, whom I've mentioned here before. He has a video about spending time effectively with our hobby. Here's my thing: I love Phil and while I enjoy his videos that are strictly about 40k, I get excited about his own sort of "Bigger Than Games" videos he does that intersect with our hobby. This was one of those videos. Even if I didn't hear anything new, I figured it would feel good about commiserating with a friend about the lack of time for games (which, at this point, I've not played in a couple of weeks, which is a pretty long time for me). The video didn't disappoint and I suggest watching until the end. But one thing he said that really resonated with me, and that I needed to hear today, was this: "That's a trade off in time that I've made for myself that I'm okay with...And that was for me."

I have regularly made these trade offs. I'm not always doing it consciously, but I've been doing it forever. We all do! Not always consciously, but I do think it's a healthy skill to have and to practice regularly. We all *know* we have finite time, but we don't always treat it that way. And a lot of us, including me, push ourselves to do ALL THE THINGS because we've always thought, "I'll sleep when I'm dead." Though, of course, science shows we die quite a lot younger when we neglect sleep. I know this intellectually, but still struggle to implement it. Because, you see, I think I want to do all the things. I think I want to do nearly all the things my friends and family are doing. They get joy from those things, and even if I don't derive the same joy from them, it might mean quality time spent with those friends and family, indulging in something they enjoy. That's really appealing to me! I've always said that I don't much care about soccer or basketball, but if my son ever started developing an interest, I'd learn about those things. I've seen my dad do it with hockey as I've grown into a hockey fan. My brother, too. I'm not saying they only did it for me, but I do know that my interest is what encouraged theirs.

But then I find myself making promises that I can't keep. I've had every intention of RPing with my friends when I've said I'll try to find time. It's happened with multiple games and multiple groups...Hunter, Changeling, 40k, D&D, Mage....friends here in STL, friends in NJ (two different groups in NJ, in fact), friends in NY...And I just never feel like I can make it happen. I do miss RPing, but not enough to prioritize it, regardless of how much I love the people with whom I'd be playing. My buddy John texts me regularly about football - I miss our conversations about football, but honestly, I just don't really miss watching it the way that I used to. As Phil said in his video: "If we're going to spend this time, it should be towards something that will make us feel fulfilled."

Sometimes, the company we keep is sufficient to keep us fulfilled while doing a thing. But sometimes not. And when it's not, think about whether or not you want to be doing that thing. I've been prioritizing my family and my work because I care about both of those things. Those are the right calls for me right now, but it has meant I haven't had nearly as much time for games. Which sucks SO MUCH.

But we all make trade offs on a daily basis. We just don't have time for everything. And we live in a society (at least, for those of us living in the U.S.) that tells us from a very young age that our value as people is linked to our productivity. So it's drilled into us that all time spent must be in the pursuit of productivity, even if that word means different things to different people. So we make trade offs out of necessity. But if we make those choices consciously and deliberately, we're much more likely to spend our time doing things that make us feel fulfilled. So I recommend watching Phil's video (and his channel in general!) as well as reading Tricia Hersey's Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto. Start breaking out of those shitty, toxic norms that capitalism have set for us, center your own health and well-being, and choose your own trade offs wherever you can. For me, I'll get back to games soon. I'm sure there's no one who knows me even a little bit who doubts that I'll get back to playing games on a more regular basis, even with the imminent pursuit of my master's degree. But part of that is taking care of myself so that I can actually do all the things I want to do. And as important as games are to me and my mental health, my family and my work in the field of domestic and sexual violence prevention supersede games because those latter two things anchor me. I've got limited energy and time right now while I'm trying to bounce back from being sick (again!) and so I've got to focus that energy and time on the things that anchor me.

TL;DR - Afford yourself some grace when you're not doing all the things you want to be doing or wish you were doing or think you *should* be doing. When we strive, we're bound to fall short and that's okay. And not every moment is meant for striving. Pick those moments and strive for fulfillment.